Rebirth in 2010

This has been a transforming week for me. I haven’t really taken the time to post much on this blog because well not many people really read it because they don’t know about it. I have to make more of a point to link to this site when I make my youtube videos. To recap the last couple of weeks, I have started with some kind of allergic reaction that manifested itself a few weeks ago. I originally thought that it was related to shellfish but at this point I do not know the actual cause because my body is still reacting. I spent day after Christmas and New Year’s Eve in the emergency room. New Year’s Eve was a little bit scary and a little like a jolt to my system to start really taking responsibility for every aspect of my life.

They had to give me epinephrine to control the swelling that was going on with my mouth, tongue and throat.  That does tend to bring up a lot of thoughts and emotions up to the surface that you find yourself confronting at the most stressful time you could possibly even think of handling things this heavy. I’m not saying that this was a near death experience, because it wasn’t. It did bring up some fears that I didn’t think I would ever really face because I do take some things for granted.  But was was overwhelming for me was that I was alone. In that room, even though there were nurses and doctors and they were monitoring everything and had given me the epi and were confident that it would do it’s job, I was alone with my thoughts.  I think this was the first real time in my life that I was given the opportunity to really be present in my thoughts and actually control how I think.  I could have very easily have let myself succumb to those waves of emotions that were threatening to teeter over and flow out, something told me to remain calm.

When they put me back in the room by myself I was happy that there was a TV and I happened to just finally decide on watching south park the movie on comedy central. Now, normally I think south park is funny, but I find it interesting that all this violence and imagery of the movie only made me feel worse, it wasn’t actually funny. My lips swelled bigger as did everything else. So when they gave me the shot, I started flipping through the channels and PBS was airing Wayne Dyer’s Excuses Be Gone.  It put me right back into the head space that I needed to be in. It’s a pretty long special and there was something very comforting to have knowledge that I have read and studied for nearly three years now when I needed it the most right in front of me being spoken to me.  It was the relief I needed.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I have to see an allergist to see if we can determine what is going on with me. I don’t think it’s environmental and I don’t think it’s my cats. But honestly, I’m not really eating anything out of the ordinary that should be causing this still. I mean the body can have hives and allergic reaction for several weeks but I can tell you that I don’t want to be on pills for a long period of time. The Prednisone is really not good for the stomach and it is certainly making me retain water and it’s changing my moods. The moods aren’t bad, but right now I feel very hyper. I don’t know if you would call it manic because I’m not aggressive or irritable, just really wound up like I could bounce off the walls.

One thing that I have decided is that I have to get a hold onto my body size. I really have to take 100% responsibility for myself and for my well being. I haven’t had to really go to a doctor in many years, as a result I have not had a primary care physician in about 8 years.  But I did get to talking to him about the weight and what alternatives I could do and we spoke for about an hour or so on various things. All of them led back to mindfulness. Being present and mindful and conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth.  We talked about meditation and some other things that I’m well familiar with and things are starting to click for me. I have been meditating on finding an answer to managing my body weight and my health on my own terms and not be a slave to the food or making surgery the only option for me.

A lot of things are in perspective for me. I was watching the trailer from “What The Bleep” (love that movie BTW) which Lilou had posted on Facebook, and I came across another link on their actual website which was thefutureoffood.com. This site belongs to Jerry Garcia’s wife who produced this movie about the genetic modification engineering of seeds in our country and what it’s actually doing the global food supply. There are so many things that are pointing to me that are telling me you have to take responsibility for your health and what you are exposing your body to. You want to live a healthy life, give it the healthy food it needs.

A fire has been lit under my ass. I had been talking about this just a couple of days ago with Mandy about this whole thing and she was telling me how her and her husband had pretty much become very self-sufficient, starting their own huge garden in their back yard so that they could can and freeze their own produce and not have to worry about buying the stuff that is sold in the supermarkets. A lot of that came from her being allergic to various foods and the only way for her to combat that was to go organic and change how she eats. This has helped her manage her weight and I really think it’s the answer for many people.

It has given me a new found appreciation for where I live. New Hampshire is a great place for grassroots types of things. Very much in the same vein as Vermont. People believe in locally produced foods, organic, fresh. We have lots of farms around here, as well as orchards and berry fields. There are coops that we can join and the farmer’s market even and I think it would be absolutely stupid of me to not take advantage of the kinds of real foods I can get my hands on when it’s so readily accessible.

This has also been a day of me really coming to terms with the fact that I am not living 100% transparently. Within certain social circles online I do not really divulge what I do for a living and try to minimize what I do as much as possible. I am not ashamed that I make my money in erotic entertainment but I have found that people have often been very judgmental of me because I do.  In an attempt to minimize their judgment of me, I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy about my livelihood.  I want to be authentic, I’m not ashamed of who I am or the choices that I have made. What I do provides me with a comfortable living to pay my bills and keep the roof over my head in a very tough economy.

There are a lot of people in this local region that are having a hard time making ends meet. I have neighbors who have lied to my landlords and are squatting in an apartment that they have been evicted from. They are not living right and I know that I wake up everyday and I live to work and make that money and pay them their rent every month. I have to pay them back rent and I do my best to be ever mindful that I owe them this and that they have been good and worked with me through the whole thing.  I have done my best to look out for their best interests during this ordeal and in fact, I think because of my diligence with paying attention to what was going on next door, they were able to take immediate action against this guy and issue an eviction.  In due time he will be gone. They need good tenants here and that’s what they deserve. So, the good ones that do live here try and look out for their best interests as well as our own.  It doesn’t pay to work against someone in times like this.  But I am proud of myself that I really do devote a lot of time to just working and making that money.

Now, once I can shift my mindset about this whole thing, then the money will roll in more easily the way it really needs to be. But I know there is the attachment to it because I do want to pay people off and be debt free and be in a good feeling place about the income that I earn. So I think part of that comes with being open about who I am. Yes, I talk dirty to a bunch of perverts on the phone and I make a pretty nice living about that. Have a problem with it? Tough lol! This way of life has allowed me to be 100% responsible for my income and that has never been taken away from me since I went out on my own. When I worked at PC Connection, they launched a plan to get me out of the job so that they didn’t actually fire me. They got rid of me without getting their hands dirty because they knew that if they didn’t do it the right way, they could have been in trouble or had to pay me unemployment.  It’s all good, I learned how to swim by doing it this way. Because of that action taken by them way back then, I learned to be so much more self-sufficient and reliable to myself than I could have ever been.

So, yea. There is a lot going on in my head today and I’m just pretty much writing everything that I thought about this morning with no real rhyme or reason, it’s just flowing out. I want to record it all and I know that I will probably be making videos and possibly even recording some snapvine calls today jsut to get everything out. I feel funky and this is the only way I can deal with this right now lol. I feel a little disconnected from my body, it’s strange.  I don’t know if it’s the Benadryl or not, it just feels weird lol.  So for now though, I will get back to work and focus my mind on making my money today and hopefully within this day I can tackle some of the house cleaning that really needs to get done. For all I know, I might just need to get a handle on the amount of cat dander that is in my environment and clean things up. It definitely cannot hurt.