Carol Grisbach April 20th 2010

My mother passed away ten days ago.  I’ve never experienced actually being present when someone is passing and this time I was. I will never forget her face as I looked at her and held her hand, stroking her head telling her she was going to be ok now. There are a lot of feelings that I am going through these days.  I just feel very lost and kind of numb. Two days before she was put into the hospital I had screamed at her and told her I was done and I can’t help but think that me saying that made her give up. I watched my mother get worse and worse over six years and we tried to help her but there were things that she just did not want to do to help herself. She did not want to quit smoking, and she did not want to get the back operations necessary to take the pain away she was experiencing with her spine.

I wish I could have given her more physical care and more hugs because she really needed those things. My thoughts over the last year about my mother’s condition frightened me a lot and prevented me from even really going up to her house very much. I would call her everyday but sometimes I couldn’t bring myself to go up there.  She just lost her will to fight and her will to live.  She did however hold on for four more years after they had given her a diagnosis of only a year to live. I just wish they weren’t all filled with the physical pain she experienced.  But I have to keep telling myself that her pain is over now and that hopefully she is with my great-grandmother who she loved.  I had a dream of Sarah one night and she was in a busy room with lots of people walking around and she was just sitting quietly as she usually did just watching and waiting. I think she was telling me that she was ready to see my mother again and she was letting me know that she would be there. I had never had a dream of my great-grandmother any other time even as many times as I asked to, she never showed up until last month.

I miss my mother. I miss calling her everyday and laughing with her and I miss the friendship we had.  Even last weekend when I spent some time with my cousin and my aunt and her daughter. There were things that were so funny and I wanted to call her up and tell her and I had to keep reminding myself that she’s not there for me to call.  So I just don’t know what to do with myself. The only thing I do know is that I am leaving New Hampshire very soon, I’m just waiting out the time while I pack and get myself ready. So I guess for tonight I will let this rest and just continue on doing what I’m doing and keep myself busy.