Healing From Heartache
October 23, 2008
I’m trying to heal from this heartache. I had been very good for a while, more than a month. It had started to feel like I had actually started the healing process and now I’m stuck in the mire of this crap again. For the last 24 hours I have been hiding under the covers in various parts of my apartment. Partly because the roofers were here again today and partly because I don’t want to deal with anyone. It’s been days since I’ve written in my gratitude journal. Days since I’ve meditated, and days since I’ve done any practices to attract my manifestations. Then I wonder why my life feels like it’s at a stand still.
I’ve been having a hard time trying to deal with feelings of vengeance. In a lot of ways, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to drop a big fucking mortar on people’s lives at this very moment and watch it blow everything up. The thing is, I know I’m prone to this kind of thinking when I am feeling and thinking negatively about a situation that did not work out in my favor. So I stop, and I think, and I know that is not who I want to be. I don’t know how to explain it. For a while I thought because I’m on this inner path that I am not supposed to have these feelings anymore. Negative feelings do not bring us the things we want. So I tried to suppress the feelings.
I have to come to terms with something I believed for 3 very long years are in fact not true. I have to accept that the man I loved, never loved me and never wanted to be with me. I have to accept that he has chosen another people who are more compatible to his way of thinking. I have to accept that I was thrown away like garbage, unappreciated. All of those things that I don’t want to accept drives me to want to close my heart up and hate him. I’m not going to deny that I had hopes, because I did and I was the one who put them there. The only thing I can do is rest easy knowing that his duplicitous behavior had nothing to do with me personally. I know he’s lying to the other women in his life too.
What finally has started to pull me out of my funk is finding a video I posted for the 100 day challenge that I forgot to post in the latest video box. I had to watch it again to remind myself of the things I’m grateful for. So really what I am grateful for is whatever forces that be have saved me from the bigger heartbreak I could have suffered by this man’s actions and that I’m now permanently removed from his path. I’m about to finish watching The Secret Life of Bees and then it’s time to get my head on straight and continue making my life the best it can be.
Hi Kelly. Thank you for commenting. Yea, I guess it’s kind of hard to explain what I was feeling that day. It was just a lot of confusion over something that happened within a relationship and dealing with heartache and grief of it. There have been a lot of answers since then and a lot of healing and I am feeling much better. I do not believe that the person I was involved with is a borderline personality disorder, I have a neighbor who has been diagnosed with that so I know what the characteristics are.
I don’t fault anyone for being human and sometimes I forget that I am and that the people that I’m involved with are as well. I need to stop labeling people as bad because we all have good and bad things about us, and we all make mistakes and make bad choices. It’s very hard to not listen to what society and friends tell us what we should do about particular people but we have to just follow what’s within our hearts.
I’ve had to do a lot of examining of myself and previous relationships and to see what makes me want to retaliate and be mean to people and that has helped me a great deal. I do fall down and make bad choices and sometimes lash out at people. The thing is, I feel bad afterward and I know that these feelings are less and less so that gives me hope that I am learning how to make more positive choices. Sometimes though, when you are nursing a broken heart it is very difficult to choose correctly. Thanks for reading.
I can relate a little bit to your situtation. I myself too have been taken adavantage of I guess put I have had blinders on. I have been dealing witht his guy going on 4 years he has cheated on me I thought I was strong stop talking to him for a lilttle while then boom he has wesseled his way back in time after time I have forgiven him then when I finally put my foot down he is now with another woman but him and I are still intimate and communicate it’s so hard to let go cause i feel if he lets me go then I can really move on but why do I give him so much power when I stop talking to him and avoid his calls or messages he doesn’t stop I know I desrve better now the girlfriend is pregnant she knows about me she is a big problem we go back and forth real enemies and we are fighting over a dog he wants both of us and I just dont understand he should be with me Im a good girl hard worker and is faithful I need answers now the girl is pregnant and Im so depressed it hurts so bad but i stopped talking to him for a month since I have found out i havent’ been intimate before that for like 3 months i broke as usual now we are back at it and i feel like I should be the one please having a family I have always been there for him and I was there first please help me let go
Jenn,
what it comes down to is that you have been so beaten down emotionally with everything that you have gone through with this guy and all the years you have invested in him you keep hoping it’s all going to pay off for you. You have invested in him, put your dreams into him and he doesn’t feel the same way. He is damaged goods and damaging you and that other girl.
Ask yourself this.. WHY on earth would you want to start a family with a man that worthless? This is about winning, it’s about proving your self-worth by winning over her and getting him. He has demoralized both of you and left you with nothing. Your worth is measure through him and you can’t find any for yourself because you keep thinking that he defines your worth. It takes the strength to let go once and for all and to KNOW without a doubt that you CAN attract someone 100 times better than this very sad person.
You have to take the time to get to know yourself and be by yourself. To know what you want, and what you don’t want. Stop letting him feed off of you and stop this sick cycle of co-dependency. Nobody that loves themselves would stay in a situation like this and if they can’t love themselves, they cannot love another.
At the time I wrote this entry and had this dream I was in a VERY different emotional space. I was heartbroken, I was depressed, desperate and hanging on by any shred of false hope I could muster. I would tell myself that he was going to call me any day and come back to me because I was the one who deserved him. In retrospect, that’s all I was deserving of because he chipped away at my self-esteem for 3 years that’s all I felt I could get and was worth. Much needed healing and nurturing was needed and done on my part to move on from this experience. I’m so thankful that I am no where near that emotional place I was back in September/October.