You’ve got to tell a new story

This past week I have been stuck. Stuck on trying to figure things out. Stuck in a tremendous amount of contrast and trying to work out just exactly how did I attract all of it. I am trying to discern how to be grateful for all of it but I am not able to give those reasons just yet. I am still trying to figure them out.  There is some work that needs to be done to my apartment and my landlord needs to take care of it however, I know my feelings about the situation are what have been holding up the whole thing from getting done.

When I examined how I have let things be over the last month, I had to say to myself, “on some subconscious level I must have felt that I deserved to live this way”, because I know I kept saying to myself I don’t deserve to be living like this. I have been listening to tons and tons of audio over and over again until the messages start ringing clear in my ears.  It takes me several times before it actually clicks. I am ok with this. I know that this stuff is wordy and it takes me a little time to grasp how it’s all being said.  Reading the forum that I participate on every day and just really getting it. It’s finally clicking. I know what my action has to be.

I keep saying that I’ve written the new story. Time and time again I sit down and write it out in my journal about what the new story is. But then in my head I play out the same scenarios over and over. I get myself upset about the same things again and again.  This is not really telling the new story is it? It’s telling the same old story of what is, again and again and never deviating from it. Then I can’t figure out why things don’t change. The funny thing is, I see all of the little dots connecting, all of the little good things. It’s the big things that really need me to get in there and clean up my feelings about each of the areas that wreak havoc on my life. Those are the areas that need some serious house cleaning for things to be lined up and flowing for me.

It might take me typing it all out and taping them right here up in front of me on the desk so that I can see them eye level every minute of my work day and remind myself what story I should be telling and erasing the old played out story. In the end I know that I’m good, I’m loved and I can have anything I want. I really really truly can.