Carol Grisbach April 20th 2010
April 30, 2010
My mother passed away ten days ago. I’ve never experienced actually being present when someone is passing and this time I was. I will never forget her face as I looked at her and held her hand, stroking her head telling her she was going to be ok now. There are a lot of feelings that I am going through these days. I just feel very lost and kind of numb. Two days before she was put into the hospital I had screamed at her and told her I was done and I can’t help but think that me saying that made her give up. I watched my mother get worse and worse over six years and we tried to help her but there were things that she just did not want to do to help herself. She did not want to quit smoking, and she did not want to get the back operations necessary to take the pain away she was experiencing with her spine.
Dying Bird Brought Back to Life
January 18, 2010
Yesterday I had a really weird dream of a bunch of birds dying because of my mother. Well in the dream they were my mothers birds. All brilliantly colored parakeets, just waiting for someone to care for them and feed them. I got there in the nick of time to revive them and give them the water they needed and I watched these sweet little birds come back to life. I looked up the meaning of birds in our dreams and dying birds means the coming of disappointments and the constant worrying of things on my mind. I know there is a lot of things that I have been worrying about lately so is it any surprise that my skin has erupted in hives and that I have a dream that signifies this as well? I just cannot sit by and watch my mother deteriorate like this.
My Passion
January 16, 2010
Today I had a thought. I have been thinking that I have not really determined where my passion lies. How can I possibly pursue my passion if I don’t even know what it is? So I have become determined to make myself my passion. I’ve been wasting a lot of time with people who have no direction in their lives and they waste my day, the waste my energy thinking about them, and they don’t listen to my advice or direction when I give it to them. This is going to be a time where there are no other distractions in my life and I am the sole focus of everything. All of the outside people will have to go live their lives from now on because I want no part. I’ve dumped my friends who no longer bring anything to my life. Done with, over. These people don’t bring anything exciting to my life and the only time I hear from them is when they want to talk about themselves and complain about life. This need for change has been long time in the making. It’s really time that I just be focused 100% on me and getting what I want from my life. Not focusing on other people anymore. I’m going to focus on the things I want in my life and make the changes need to get them. I’m going to get healthy this year and reverse all of the things going on in my body right now. It’s all about being the best me, Nicole at 10.
