How grateful I am

I really don’t know if I can express in words just how grateful I am for the things that have happened. I had a conversation last night with V and it was about a couple of people who are living a particular way and it becoming apparent that one partner is losing their self-respect for the sake of the other. I was ready to give up all of my power to keep this man. Why, for what? Because I love him? I do love him, but the fact is he has nothing to offer me, not even love in return. Me giving up who I am, what my beliefs are, what kind of relationship I want does not show that I love myself nor that I have any boundaries when it comes to another. Why are some women so willing to do this? Why was I willing to do this? It’s simple… I wanted what I wanted and would do anything to get it.

I am very sorry that I hurt his girlfriend, I’m sorry I carried on the affair even without her knowledge which still hurt her in some way. I think deep down my not wanting to hurt anyone is what brought about this gap. The two of us not resonating and having different beliefs on how to treat a partner that you are in a relationship are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I will not allow myself to become like the men whom I have been in relationships with and have cheated on me or others. I don’t know, I think maybe he really did wish that he would develop deeper feelings. I don’t know if he is capable of it for me or for anyone. The fact is, the more clear I became about what it was I wanted for my life and created my vision boards, said my affirmations, etc… the less time he and I spent together.

Accepting an affair never felt right to me, I always felt that I was short changing myself to be with him. My gut kept telling me that but I knew I wanted him. I want a healthy relationship with someone who believes in monogamy, is willing to give it a try and willing to love me. Chris cannot do that, at least not with me. But it’s also clear he cannot do that with his current partner as well. So as our vibrations started to misalign he started to become more aligned with someone who matches his vibrations. Cheaters and liars have to eventually attract another cheater and liar aside from people to cheat on and lie to. Now he has both, he’s a perfect vibrational match for what he’s got. I think he wanted to change, but doesn’t know how. I think I provoked that want within him and I think he wanted to give it to me on some level but did not have faith in himself or any of it and just quit and therefore failing.

I’ve been confronted with these types of people before. The ones that are “facing reality” and just following what everyone else is doing because it’s “dog eat dog” and… “fuck them before they fuck you”. I was always told that I should just come to accept it and that men don’t want to get into relationships and that women should just do it with no expectations of committments. Funnily enough… that was the A.H. from last year and the little chicken head that likes to flock around him is a little buddy of this other chick that is with Chris now. I’m not surprised that women like this flock together. They have the same morals. It’s funny how I have come full circle again.

Fact is I forgive myself for what I did with this man. For all the lies and deception on his girlfriend and justifications I’ve made because I was in love with him. It just seems to me that all of these people who are friends and all hang out in the same circle have the belief that everyone is a cheater. I don’t buy into that belief at all. As I have said, no matter what I have endured from another I have never gone out and cheated on a person I cared about. In my own way I still care for both of these deeply flawed men. They were both in my life for significant amounts of time. There is good in both of them, they just choose to not cultivate it, instead they choose to cultivate the pain and the hurt and they contribute to poisoning other women’s beliefs about relationships and men and those women act with malicious intent towards other women. I realized today, I would much rather be alone than to lose my self-respect and moral beliefs just so that I can be with a particular man.

That is not to say that I don’t believe that people can change. I absolutely know that people can change, I did it for myself. However that decision is entirely up to them to initiate and follow through with. Change is not easy, especially when changing would mean letting go of everything you currently are in order to become a better person. That for some would mean an entire collapse of their current reality and world. For me I wanted better. I started to learn and see that there was something better and I am going after it. I changed. I am still changing who I am. I know I still have a long way to go, but you can believe that I am damn proud of how far I have come already. Because that means I’m that much closer to my goal. If it is meant to be that I am to be with Chris then somehow the universe will align he and I together again. That might mean a huge emotional, mental, and spiritual change within him would have to occur before he and I could be a match again but anything is possible. I do think the universe is much smarter though and knows what is right for me instead of me constantly trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It’s up in the higher powers hands now and I’m completely free and I can continue to heal my life and fix me.

Understanding The Ego

I’ve been absorbed in Eckhart Tolle’s works these days. I’m reading a New Earth and also listening to Practicing the Power of now meditation. I grasp some of what he is saying but then there is stuff that I’m just not ready to understand, I feel. It’s like when I was trying to learn from Abraham-Hicks and everything they were saying sounded greek to me and then all of a sudden one day it clicked. The basic understanding I have is to free ourselves from ego, the awaken to the presence within us and be present. To be the observer, I get that. I don’t know if I am successful at doing it yet.

Looking over everything I write and the thoughts going through my mind about events shows me how much I am still in the ego mind. Egoism is there a little bit. Comparing myself to others, judging their actions against mine. I think for the first time I caught a glimmer of what he really means. All of this stuff that has happened with my relationship, I’ve kept identifying it as having happened to ME. It was being done to me. But the fact is it’s just events that have happened that didn’t have an outcome that I would have liked. My expectations which were of the ego were not met and I saw all of this as a personal attack on me because of whatever reasons.

I’ve realized that given what knowledge I had, I did the best I knew how in this relationship. It’s only now that I am starting to have my eyes open up to more. I cannot fault myself for how I handled these things. I cannot fault anyone, they are just doing what they currently know. Hindsight is always 20/20, there is a reason for this saying. But I will understand these new philosophies, that is for sure. I will continue to read and study until it becomes crystal clear within me and I have a full understanding it and of myself. Right now I can see that I’m sort of functioning within it, sort of like when I have to play around with a new code language and I know how to get around in there and work with it but I don’t have this full complete understanding of the language just yet. But I have faith that I will and I keep pressing on.

The Ego is a fragile thing and amazing how much control it actually has over our lives. Challenging it will be it’s undoing and the freeing of ourselves. We are all sort of living in a very plugged-in sort of reality in a very Matrix kind of way at the moment. The reality that our Ego mind has created for us and it’s our responsibility to awaken ourselves from it’s grip on our lives. So the question is, do you want to take the blue pill or the red pill and see just how far down the rabbit hole goes?

Surrender to allowing

Last night I went to sleep listening to Practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I woke up at about 3:00am from a dream. Nothing really significant other than I think my subconscious must have been reflecting some of the stuff I had absorbed from the cd. A theme that has been reoccurring lately is surrendering and allowing. Tolle talks about surrendering to the power of now and be in the present moment and allowing people to be exactly who they are. This was finally starting to sink into my brain at 6:30 this morning as I finally drifted back off to sleep.
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