However, in a lot of ways I think it has brought some opportunity my way. Mainly in the way of sharpening my chops on some SEO and web design opportunity and finding an employer who wants to put my know-how to good use. The added benefit is that I can learn from him as well. What has kept me so busy is that I am working for two companies full time, 80 hours a week, 7 days a week. Yup, it’s crazy but it’s bringing in the money and the benefits that working for a small to midsize company can afford such as healthcare, etc…

Everyone thinks I’m nuts for doing it, but frankly at this present moment in time, I see no other way. My finances have improved and in the next two months I will be out of my family’s house and on my own once again. Tonight was my once a month vacation day so that I can actually get a restful weekend and it was extended due to a nasty little bug that popped up in the form of some stomach virus that the whole family got. Fun. I guess I should be grateful though because it’s forced me to get some serious rest and some much needed time to stop and assess my progress and my future plans.

I have no real desire to continue working like a mad woman for a really extended period of time. I might have to do it for a couple of years until I have a strong foothold on where I want to be financially and that’ s okay. I’m still young enough that I can push myself to do it. But I’ve seen real-world effects of what online internet marketing can achieve and I’ve been bitten with the bug again. This time however I am going to take a different approach than I did before. It was a lot harder for me to see and think clearly in a way that allowed me to retain and process the information, it was always painful for me because I was desperate to make it succeed.

I haven’t been able to turn on my psychic chat lines or chat rooms in months either and that has really bothered me because it was fun. Nor have I been able to write in my blog or anywhere else. Everything has just kind of been put on indefinite hold. But I think I have figured out how I can squeeze the most value out of my time and still make this all work.  I love it when my brain does what it’s supposed to do lol.  But really though, I have to give credit to my re-watching of a documentary from some very intelligent, insightful, and most importantly helpful people which really made the light bulb come on for me.  In the second hour of the five hour documentary this quote has left the most indelible  impression on me and it’s nothing I will soon forget…

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

I was really having a lot of fun providing advice and guidance for people. It gave me a whole new venue to express myself and connect with people. So I am a longing to get back into and have some fun doing it.  I truly felt like I had found my niche and this is something that I can be really good at with lots more focus. So we’ll see how things are going.  My life is just crazy and busy and in constant flux at the moment. Lots and lots of changes to get me to be were I need to be to be happy.  I always knew that all I had to do was get my butt back to NY and the world of possibilities would open up for me and damn was I right in more ways that I thought lol.

This is not to say that every man is like this, just the bad ones.  They would have you believe there are many more women vying for their attention who are more willing to do whatever it takes to end up getting used by that male. Accepting this way of thinking as truth results in you being vulnerable to falling prey to the types of men who would have you believing it. Of course they are going to do everything to convince you that loving yourself first by not giving into the pressures to let him seduce you is the wrong thing to do.  That’s the game. You have to learn to understand the game. Actually, no you don’t. Understanding the game is irrelevant. All you have to do is make a conscious choice that you are not going to let anyone else use you (your mind) or your body for defilement.

But make no mistake, making this choice means not accepting anything less than you deserve and that might mean that there are no men in your life. Or women for that matter depending on your gender or your orientation. It means having the courage to possibly having to be by yourself for a while until someone who is worthy of you comes along. Why would you expend your energy on someone who doesn’t think you are worth any effort? Do you know why they don’t think you are any effort? Because what they are really looking for is not about anything good for you. They are looking for what is only good for them and that is their self-gratification at your expense. 

Self  love means having the courage to listen to your heart, or your soul in other words. That doubt that you feel every time you give in to another person who wants you to compromise yourself either emotionally, physically, or ethically is your soul talking to you. It’s telling you that what you are about to accept in the name of “love” is not right and that you know that but you choose to go ahead with it anyway ignoring your intuition. I understand that it is not a choice for everyone but it definitely is a choice that communicates loud and clear “I will not allow you to devalue me. I will not allow you to dictate how relationships are in my life. In fact you will not have any control over anything in my life.” That is how you maintain your self control, by never relinquishing it to someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 

We live in a world where people are emotionally damaged and emotionally cut off from themselves.  They literally separate themselves from their own emotional guidance system. I understand it, it’s a survival tactic. Lately I have been confronted with a ghost from my past and he is a pretty nasty one. He’s the kind of ghost who forever sucks the life out of you because he lost his soul. He doesn’t have any idea of how to find it and more importantly is that he doesn’t want to.  Frankly, I’m sick of being haunted by this ghost.  Since I worked a lot on healing my own emotional damage it is no real surprise to me that whenever I see this person that the wound opens up. I do not know why I always perceived a higher connection with this individual but I did. I had hoped that time would severe it and for the most part it has. That actual connection is in fact severed but it just seems that as far as the internet goes, one cannot escape certain people unless you really make a conscience choice to not mingle in places that could potentially be a shitting ground for the other person. So that is what I have chosen to do.

I have no desire to close myself from my emotional centers ever again no matter how badly things might hurt when it comes to friendships, relationships, betrayals or otherwise. So the only thing that is logical and more downstream is to remove myself from the situation. It is the path of least resistance. And that is how you exorcise these ghosts, you cut off their life support.

I always have to remind myself that the law of attraction does work in our favor when we align with those things we put out there but are not seriously attached to. The hard part is trying to turn your attention to something else so that you no longer notice you don’t have what you want just yet.
In the second half I talk about deeper esoteric teachings and the root of all major practices and ideologies when I mention hermeticism and alchemy and the perrenial tradition. I’m so ready for this….

I want to say though at some point after all of my current studying with law of attraction and affirmations and healing my life, I reached an apex. I felt that this could not be all there is to my spiritual journey. I felt I was not manifesting anything of major significance and I sort of experienced a feeling of ennui.  I’d say since losing my mother in 2010 something changed for me drastically. This past year has been one of such profound illumination that it is impossible to ignore.  My eyes have been wrenched wide open for me and I have been forced to really look at what my life has been trying to show me. The most important thing I want to achieve is to help people. I want to do more than just give someone a tarot reading because they are worried about whether or not they are going to find their soulmate. I want to show them why they have been having such a hard time with life in general and why they suffer. I want to wake up every individual who crosses my path and show them what we need to do to have a better life.

I want them to understand that we haven’t been educated, we have been indoctrinated. The majority of us have no idea how to think for ourselves and I want them to know that there is a way to change it and a way to learn it.  When people come to me, I want to start to ignite that tiny spark in them that knows there is more to this life.  We cannot afford to be frogs in boiling water any longer. We need to learn as much as we can so that we don’t get lost in the mix. 

I can remember since I was young that I always said I never saw myself slaving away in an office working for anyone. I can remember that statement as if I said it yesterday. So it was a bit strange for me to find myself for most of my twenties working in various office environments getting screamed at and yelled at by mediocre middle management and irate customers. I believe I knew that about myself and I was correct. The only thing then was that I didn’t know what I would be suited to do.  It still took me at least 18 years to figure this out.  About nine years ago I embarked on a new journey for me to earn my living. I have been a phone sex operator, a webcam performer, and a pornographer.  For me it presented a form of freedom that I never had working for someone else.  At this point in my life I have no desire to work in the sex industry anymore, it has definitely presented a whole bunch of conflicts for me in my personal life that I realize I have outgrown. Yes, I understand that this might be tough for some people to swallow, however I did this on my own terms and I never did anything that was outside of my own comfort level. It is what it is and it was something I did and cannot take it back.  Once I can sustain my living through other means then I will be letting all of the adult work go because I know that morally it is wrong and I as I continue to make my living in this way, I am in conflict with myself. Unfortunately I didn’t give myself any other way out and now until I can solidify a foundation for myself I am forced to keep doing it. Ces’t La Vie!

This is not to say that reading has not been my salvation, because it has. This desire to always learn more is always there for me. Something instilled in me the strong desire to read since I was a young child in elementary school. I don’t know if it was because of R.I.F. days or my mother encouraging me to read but it’s the one thing that I have always seen the value of doing.  The stuff I read these days is more educational than I ever thought I would lay my hands on.  Because of this strong desire it allows me to learn more and become less ignorant.  When I say this, I say it in the most humble manner because I know that without a shadow of a doubt that there is so much that I need to learn.  I am aware of my ignorance but I am working diligently to remedy this.  What saddens me is people’s unwillingness to do this for themselves. Their hardwired ingrained hardheadedness to assume that what they believe is right and that’s all they need to know because the stuff they believe makes them feel right. And that’s all that matters in the world for them. That is a very scary way of thinking.  It is called solipsism and no matter how hard to try, you cannot reason with a mind like this. The only shot you have is when they finally wake up and decide that there is more to learn.

Until that time, you will find yourself like me, often being met with opposition and hostility if you dare to correct someone’s thinking or show them an accurate point of view. I know so many people like this in my day to day life and it’s sad.  I was like this for a while thinking that I knew everything that I had to know, but something woke something up in me. Perhaps I always had this resistance in me or perhaps it was a friend of mine telling me about a book that would change my mind and my life forever. I can never be too sure what exactly it was that set me on this path. All I know is that I’m on it and I cannot step off of it. You find that once you are set in motion there is no turning back. Once you take the red pill, you cannot go backwards there is only forwards in order to see your way through it.  I will say this though, I would not have it any other way now that I am starting to see what we are all meant to see.

I suppose that it would have only been a matter of time before I would have a dream related to the subject of him because well when you start to delve into esotericism and the occult world of the mystery schools his name undoubtedly comes up no matter where you go. As I was coming out of my dream I heard someone tell me “Thelema is what is wrong with the world”. I don’t know if that was my own subconscious mind telling me that or my higher mind or my guide. Who knows, but as I continue on my journey to discover the true nature of the world the answers will be revealed. All I know is that it’s not for me to say whether or not that is a true statement or not. I’m just doing my best to remember my dreams as I have them. 

Currently I am working to awaken my kundalini. I’ve been using this meditation for a few weeks now . A few years ago this was just one of the meditations that I bought although I did not follow through with my practice of any meditations for very long. Now I am desiring knowing more about myself and to awaken this energy to set my chakras in order.  It’s the first time in all of my meditation practice that I am able to really feel strange sensations and also to see different things while in meditation.It’s intense. If this is something that you are looking to do, brainsync’s kundalini meditation CD might be right for you. I definitely recommend it.

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Naturally I felt compelled to create an image with them to incorporate into my blog’s look and voila, there you have it.  Last year I purchased this very pretty, ornate, romantic, satin-lined box from Pier One and had no real use for it and well now it has found it’s purpose of housing my cards.  Sue me, I like to keep things girlie and well anything that makes me feel happy and giddy is a good thing because it puts me into a positive frame of mind to want to work with the cards. I feel like now, I am ready to work. I’m gungho and forging full steam ahead into my development, eagerly devouring all relevant metaphysical knowledge that I can get my hands on in order to fully expand my abilities. So, I hope that you will become a regular reader of my blog and enjoy the ride!