As it gets closer and closer to being a year since my mom’s passing and me moving back to New York, I’ve decided to make a promise to myself about the past. I am going to completely let it go. That means that I am no longer going to seek out information about past flames, or hold onto resentments I have for family members. I am just going to move on. A lot of people would probably say well duh! But see I think we lie to ourselves at times. Sure we can get over the initial hurt or bad feelings we have about someone but then there are always things that can bring those feelings back up to the surface. Even years later when you think you have gotten “over it”.

For myself I know that for a fact there was a particular person whom I had an involvement with for about three years who I had been deeply crushed by. There is this part of me that wishes hurt and pain on his life and that of his significant other. Now let me clarify, when I say hurt and pain, I mean emotionally, monetarily, and socially. I don’t mean actual physical pain.  For a long time I’ve had this desire to see their world come falling apart at the seems for all of their transgressions against me.  Because we all know that anyone who hurts us or does us that wrong, should be suffering for all the pain they caused us, right? It sure can feel good to fantasize about that at times. I think that is a natural response a lot of people have about some loss that was traumatic to them.  The longer I waited for that day to happen, the more I realized that it’s never going to happen. At least not while I’m watching for it to happen. In the meantime I’m sitting here looking at whatever little scraps of information I can find on these people hoping that I will see evidence of my wishes coming true. The only certain thing I see happening is me being stuck in the same place, emotionally and mentally and not just getting on with my life.

So, as of today I release it all and I let it all go. All of those “scoundrels” as Esther would say. The self-centred, narcissistic uncle who has his greedy paws on mine and my brother’s legal inheritance, the two-faced cousin and the manipulating relative who stirred up a shit storm that I didn’t need right after my mother died, the shitty step-father who didn’t even buy my mother an urn, my mental grandmother who for a majority of my life tried her best to kill my spirit and those truly scummy men who stomped on me and treated me like a piece of trash. Finally, the sad and lonely ex-boyfriend of recent whom cannot just accept that I don’t want to be friends and fix his life when I have my own to fix.  None of you get to rain on my parade!