Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my mother who would have been 70 years old today. It is very late for me so I have yet to discover how the day is to unfold. I miss her.

I’m not angry anymore

Let me clarify… that is now that I’ve made this video. What a cathartic process it was just putting it out in the Universe. Since I’ve felt so very betrayed by relatives for the last year which has been evident by my complete avoidance of these people since I moved back to NY, having only seen them twice in a year. That should speak volumes. I don’t call her, I don’t contact her via facebook and I don’t go see her. In fact I don’t go see any of them and I’m just fine by that.

I came to the full realization that I am not losing a thing by never talking to any Schiavo ever again the same way it has not affected me by never speaking to any other Pencola. It just is what it is. I’m with my family as small and tight knit as it may be. As I said, I have no desire to be close to people who talk out of both sides of their mouthes as far as how they feel about others. Believe me, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to preserve a relationship with all of your siblings and your shit-head father, just be honest about it. Finally the fact that she and her mother used me to get back at her father and cause drama just really burned my ass and that too was a complete disrespect to the loss of my mother. People are complete shit!

A Promise To Myself

As it gets closer and closer to being a year since my mom’s passing and me moving back to New York, I’ve decided to make a promise to myself about the past. I am going to completely let it go. That means that I am no longer going to seek out information about past flames, or hold onto resentments I have for family members. I am just going to move on. A lot of people would probably say well duh! But see I think we lie to ourselves at times. Sure we can get over the initial hurt or bad feelings we have about someone but then there are always things that can bring those feelings back up to the surface. Even years later when you think you have gotten “over it”.

For myself I know that for a fact there was a particular person whom I had an involvement with for about three years who I had been deeply crushed by. There is this part of me that wishes hurt and pain on his life and that of his significant other. Now let me clarify, when I say hurt and pain, I mean emotionally, monetarily, and socially. I don’t mean actual physical pain.  For a long time I’ve had this desire to see their world come falling apart at the seems for all of their transgressions against me.  Because we all know that anyone who hurts us or does us that wrong, should be suffering for all the pain they caused us, right? It sure can feel good to fantasize about that at times. I think that is a natural response a lot of people have about some loss that was traumatic to them.  The longer I waited for that day to happen, the more I realized that it’s never going to happen. At least not while I’m watching for it to happen. In the meantime I’m sitting here looking at whatever little scraps of information I can find on these people hoping that I will see evidence of my wishes coming true. The only certain thing I see happening is me being stuck in the same place, emotionally and mentally and not just getting on with my life.

So, as of today I release it all and I let it all go. All of those “scoundrels” as Esther would say. The self-centred, narcissistic uncle who has his greedy paws on mine and my brother’s legal inheritance, the two-faced cousin and the manipulating relative who stirred up a shit storm that I didn’t need right after my mother died, the shitty step-father who didn’t even buy my mother an urn, my mental grandmother who for a majority of my life tried her best to kill my spirit and those truly scummy men who stomped on me and treated me like a piece of trash. Finally, the sad and lonely ex-boyfriend of recent whom cannot just accept that I don’t want to be friends and fix his life when I have my own to fix.  None of you get to rain on my parade!