Valentine’s Day Bleh

I am not going to start out by lying to myself that I’m not going to feel the sting of this Valentine’s Day. I’m also not going to lie that I am a little deflated because I had been looking forward to making plans for my birthday this year. Felipe, Felipe, Felipe. Where do I begin? I just don’t understand how someone can take a relationship so fragile and in it’s infancy and hold it under water and drown it? I’ve had to let this marinate for about a week because I still sit here some nights in shock at what he said to me last weekend.

During a conversation where I was asking him about the girlfriend he had after he and I broke up and where he was living at that time, as it all coincided with where I was working. While I was remembering where I was working at that time I started to mention how I had for whatever reasons, at every job I’ve had there was one male friend who gravitated to me as my closest friend at the job at those times. The problem is that as I was trying to finish that whole statement, he decided he had a revelation about me and felt he needed to interrupt me. He goes… “do you know why?” I said um, no. He then stated to me that “the reason why they had been my friends was because women who have tattoos on their breast are thought of as easy”.

Dude, I was stunned. Like wow, really? Your brain just told you to say that to me? Hot on the heels of all of the problems we have been having. Especially since he’s tried everything to convince me to give this relationship a chance.  Are you kidding me?? What does someone do with this? This is the guy who has been acting like he is love sick for me and then confesses to me that he’s not in love with me and was not in love with me 15 years ago. What am I doing with this guy? Why am I wasting my time with someone who is going to talk to me this way whenever he is feeling insecure or gets too high?  The kicker though was he actually was surprised that I was upset at his statement!! Then had the audacity to say to me, I thought we were supposed to be honest with each other? Isn’t that what you wanted for us? OMG you asshole, about our feelings and our true wants from the relationship!!

What would you expect the reaction to be when you just blindside your girlfriend with something like that? What do you think that makes me think and feel about how you feel about me?  How am I supposed to feel good about being in a relationship with someone who clearly feels that way about me, or believes that to be true about me and feel endeared towards him?  With all of my studying, I have just not evolved that far to get past a statement such as that about me from my boyfriend.

The apology I got? The apology was a text that said, “I’m sorry if I insulted you, please don’t be too mad”. Then later on that day I got another call which I didn’t answer and he said he was sorry and that if I wanted to talk to him, he guessed it was up to me. It did not feel like real remorse coming out of his mouth when I listened to it. You know, I’m sorry call me selfish, call me greedy but I think if you say something that damaging to this already crashing relationship I want  A BIG FUCKING SORRY!   If that makes me a bad person then I’m willing to wear that title. I just never could have even imagine him blindsiding me like that. Were they small words? Yes. When you look at the whole context of what those words imply and the various context which they could imply it doesn’t make it so small.

So here I am, single on Valentine’s Day, again. I love how every guy that I’ve ever been with has failed me. I love how my fun birthday/summer plans are shot to shit. I love how everything that I was getting excited for is now a moot point. Thanks Felipe, I’m so glad you have been looking for me all these years.

Assessing What I Want

I think tonight is a night for catharsis. I am really digging in deep this year to succeed in my chosen professions. Yes I have more than one lol. Sure there are many other creative outlets that I would love to pursue and I can dream about them all day, unless I get off my ass and do something about making them a reality, they are going to remain dreams. I’m going to make the best of what I have right now.  We have been going through a rigorous customer service retraining within our company. The other thing is, for the latter half of 2010 there was a lot affecting my work performance as far as missing tons of calls and just having no drive to do anything to change it. Now I have to work to turn things around and keep my contract with this company. I see how it’s reflected in my paycheck every week and that makes me feel like I will never make it out of my brother’s house because I’m hardly earning any real money at this point.  It’s forced me to look at what I am doing that has gotten me to this point. I think the answer has been inaction.

I went through some really trying things in 2010. I lost my mother. I dealt with my cousin stirring up the pot against her father and ruffling my feathers to challenge him about my grandparents house. That in itself is a total mind-fuck that I can’t even get into. I could go on for days about it. Then a month later I moved. I’ve displaced my cats with my brother who has had to put up with one of them crapping all over his apartment and having to deal with his anger. Mostly though, I’ve felt completely lost and alone. Yes, I’ve had Raquel and we have truly bonded in a way that I’ve never had and I really feel like she is a sister to me. But how do you replace your mother? You can’t.

I had a launched a plan back in March and by April the Universe ushered me through some extreme changes. So I think it’s safe to say that by September I had lost my way. Oh and that was another thing. I fried my brain reading Fundamental Christian propaganda about the entertainment industry and how everyone is a satanist while I had very little sleep. Ask me what that does to your psyche? It fucks it up is what it does. But you know what? I’m a tough bitch and I pulled myself back into shape very quickly.  I’ve now learned that I can no longer deprive myself of much needed rest and sleep and that I more or less put myself through a trauma.

I have not had a lot of strong emotional response to much stimuli lately. I guess the fact is that there isn’t much in my life that is stimulating me. I know this. I’m trapped in this house until I can get my car back on the road. This is taking much too long for me and it’s making me feel so trapped. This was the feeling I was longing to escape in New Hampshire. Then there is Felipe which kind of coincided with the timing of my car being repossessed. For the record, it was recovered. In a way I have to look at it as a blessing because I am right side up again with my car payments and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the car will be paid off by the middle of Autumn. That is fabulous!

Then there is still this relationship that is growing with Felipe. We have had some serious issues to deal with right from the start of this. Perhaps there are some things that I have to look at from the past that I have to forgive that I thought I had forgiven but I really don’t think I have. I think there are a lot of things that need to be looked at an examined about the past in general that I may have just swept under the carpet instead of actually addressing and healing from. The most acute of them being Chris and Royce. Those two relationships were so terribly damaging to me for various reasons. There are some things I see in Felipe that make me think about those two men and I can see where the those behaviors led with them and I am cautious about not letting myself go down those roads again.

You know the sarcasm. I saw where the sarcasm really got to be belittling with Chris and then pushing buttons to develop a deep insecurity in me which manifested in jealousy. Ugh then there was Royce. The king of all head fuckers. The damage that man did was the most severe because he was in my life for the most amount of time on the most consistent basis. I think about the sexual chemistry problems we had and the lack of fulfillment we had as FWB. I was the one who wasn’t benefiting from it. But they are ghosts. I find myself looking at Chris’ Facebook page trying to see what’s going on in his life. I sometimes still want to know why I was such a disposable piece of garbage to him.  That put me in a downward spiral that led to a lot of days in my bed sleeping or crying and leaning on Vikki’s shoulder more than I should have.  I was just devastated.  I have my part that I played in all of it. I willingly neglected to see the writing on the wall about these situations.

This is why I am so ambivalent about Felipe and my relationship right now. Can we get passed this rift? I really do not know. Am I seeing far too many red flags and letting him talk me out of ending it with him despite those red flags and hoping that he will change? The thing is that I really need to dig deep within myself and forgive all of the people that I have been involved with that I feel hurt me along the way or used me, or neglected me. That list is a long one. He is one of those people on the list though. Partly why I am going through this tonight is because I have been listening to one of my audio books that I haven’t had the chance to listen to in about 8 months because it was on my desktop which was in storage. One of the main topics in the book is about forgiveness.

Being unforgiving did my mother in. She went to her deathbed with a lot of bitterness in her heart and feeling completely unloved. There is so much that I have to forgive myself for when it comes to her. I haven’t wanted to deal with it. I think with her death and then with my brief episode of paranoia I completely turned my emotions off. For the first time though, someone has come into my life that is starting to antagonize me into having some emotional turmoil. It’s causing a reaction. That reaction more often than not is tears but I see them as a good sign to the fact that I am feeling something again. I have been numb and blah for far too long.  There is a thaw going on in my heart.

Does this take time? Absolutely.  Am I being fair to myself and to him? It doesn’t really seem like it. Do I feel like I am taking a gamble? You betcha I do! The path right now is not clearly defined.  He has been without phone service for three days so far. We talked for a whole five minutes on Monday when he visited his mother but the conversation was practically non-existent.  I have been sitting here asking myself if I really miss him but I have been thinking about him all day. Tonight I actually really felt a pull for him which says something promising to me considering that my conversation with my friend Mike today consisted of me talking about the things that I’m disappointed in him for. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I can’t put the entire blame on him. How my perception is definitely needs to be examined more closely and the emotional work on myself needs to commence so that I can start cleaning house in here. We’ll see!