He Blew It

Things came to a major head yesterday. I have to document this so that I can remember what’s happened in this time otherwise it will drive me nuts later on.  I drove the inevitable question home and the response he gave me was not a good one.  Some people would say that I asked this too soon. However, when you take into account that he and I have a history things are different. Then you have to factor in that he has told me that he has been carrying a torch so to speak for me for the last 15 years, carrying my photo in his wallet and trying to find me for five years.  So tell me, WHAT exactly have you been looking for me for so long for? So that you can like me?  He said he wanted another chance because he realized what he had let get away from him all those years ago and that he lost the best thing he ever had.

Was that all lip service or what?  You see when you throw the gauntlet down it brings everything up to the surface. Of course it’s a gamble and you can end up losing something such as the relationship which is more or less what has happened here but it brings up some questions that cannot be ignored. It leaves you with very clear choices for the conclusions that you can come to as far as the motive for the relationship and the words that were said to me. It makes it much easier to clear the dust and see what’s really going on.

He told me he wasn’t in love with me, that it takes time for him to fall in love. Oh, really?!?!?!?! Interesting how you shared the little tidbit of informations that you had fallen for some chick in a month’s time that you were just having a FWB relationship who wouldn’t even kiss you and then when she did actually let her guard down and KISS YOU she promptly dumped you right after doing that.  Not me though. For me, no matter what I do or how long I am with him, he can’t fall in love with me. I was with him for a year and we were with each other every fucking day for god sakes,we lived two houses away from each other.  Never mind that he has been calling me 5-6 times a day asking me if I miss him and talking about how much he misses me and how he wishes he could see me and cuddle with me and kiss me and all these things, but NO HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.  I told him to go fuck himself. I don’t need this bullshit again.

I don’t need to open up that box and dig through all of the emotions I went through all those years ago when he wouldn’t tell me he loved me. I don’t need to be his girlfriend for a year and have my emotional needs neglected and then only come to find out that he isn’t in love with me yet either. I’m 37, I’m done with this game. I’ve been with too many assholes in my life. Assholes telling me they were in love with me but didn’t want to be my man, and assholes telling me they cared about me but wouldn’t leave their girlfriends.  I have disrespected myself for too many assholes who have just not been worth it for me in the end. So you better believe if I’m going through this amount of stress and strife over a relationship this early in the game I am going to damn well question whether or not this is worth it for me. I am going to ask that dreaded question. And if you can’t find it in yourself to feel something for this woman who’s picture you just happen to carry around with you well then there is no point in me sticking around.

Nevermind the fact that I told him I couldn’t do it again unless it was for real and it was mutual and now I feel like he lied just to get what he wanted. I’m not in love with you but I want you in my life. Nope, sorry. Not going to happen. Sorry charlie, you blew it for a second time and this time I’m not going to be so understanding about it and I’m not going to be so nice. I am a different breed and I am tired of the mind fucks that I have been given over and over again. So how do I get to start this morning? With a slew of text messages from him now telling me how much he cares about me and how he wishes that he can keep me in his life and he didn’t mean to hurt me and I have earned a place in his heart.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THAT DOES TO SOMEONE’S HEAD?????? Stop playing fucked up games with me and go fuck yourself!!! And if he doesn’t think that he has been royally fucked in his head by Gina then he is blinded by that fact because she has fucked him up so bad that he don’t know how to be normal. Then who the fuck knows what Dandara and him went through. I only know what he told me. I know that both of those pigs fucked his best friend, the second one married him and they also fucked a bunch of other men on him.

Did I do anything even remotely as grimy as what these chicks did to him? They don’t even get the respect of being called women because only pigs do what they do. I never betrayed this men ever. And still I endure his jealous insecurities about me having fans and him thinking that I have been screwing someone else behind his back for these last ten weeks even though I told him that I hadn’t been with anyone since July 2009. Oh but yea, as soon as he comes in the picture all of a sudden I’ve become a sex crazed whore. I mean REALLY??? And you gonna sit there and tell me that you aren’t blinded by what females in your past have done to you and then gonna accuse me of those same things? Riiiiggght.  Just like I always say to him, that’s the pot calling the kettle black right there.

What does this all come down to? Fuck him if he can’t find it in himself to say yea Nikk I’m in love with you, because I sure know how I feel about him and how I’ve always felt about him. I’m moving on and I will be just fine on my own and now he can have the regrets. Ta ta, so long bye bye!

Bleh

PMS, that bitch is here today. It’s making me sensitive and making my eyes wet. Yesterday I was filled with a lot of resentment that just kept bubbling up. Feelings about things that I just want to bash over his head. What good would that do? Me being mean to him for the sake of just ripping in to him because I’m feeling resentful about shit he’s said to me weeks ago? It’s only going to make me feel better but it’s going to make him feel like shit.

That’s it at the core of this whole thing. Him sitting there making his negative observations, nitpicking, flaw finding. Him saying these things to me to make himself feel better, about what I don’t know. Sometimes things are so reminiscent of fuck face. I just don’t see how a comment about me being a typical oversensitive Cancer is productive to anyone. I’m also not seeing how someone could sum me up by the negative characteristics of my sun sign. That and this idea of me from a long time ago. Why has he sought me out all these years? What is it that he thinks he is going to recapture with me that he couldn’t with anyone else? Whatever it is that Felipe thought he was going to find in me, he is not going to find it by being short-sighted about me.  Coming to superficial conclusions about your partner is basically saying that you don’t really want to take the time needed to invest in getting to know who your girlfriend really is.

All that has been doing is pushing me away. It is incredibly frustrating when the person you are dating is so adamant about not letting go of these preconceived notions of me based on truly shallow judgments. I know for myself that I cannot honestly say that I have even 10% of understanding of who he is now. But you know talking about all that stuff well, ugh guys just don’t do it.  There is something there though. Something that makes him tick that he ends up directing towards me.  You know I said to Raquel last night, that I did a lot to help him get back on his feet in the last two months. I am not asking for his undying gratitude and praise for finding a classified ad that paid off for him. All I am saying is that is it really too much to ask to have some appreciation for the woman that you want to spend all of your time with?

People are always so quick to jump onto the flaws or perceived flaws. Some people are bent on finding a flaw no matter what. That chips away at that core of love. It chips away at trust and respect. It especially chips away at feelings towards the critic. I need to get this out, to express it so that it’s staying built up inside me getting bigger and bigger. I want to be able to express this and just let it go.  When I feel better from doing that then I will work on making myself feel even better from this point and keep uplifting myself.  I have hope that we can have a happy relationship but I need to be in my PMS’y bullshit and I need to cocoon and soothe myself and get some rest.That’s what I’m going to do. With the phone OFF and hopefully the howling dingbat downstairs will can it for a few hours so that he doesn’t wake me up with it. We’ll see.

Disappointed and Troubled

To say that I was completely blindsided when Felipe and I reconnected and then that he told me all that he did about how he had been looking for me is putting it mildly. It was completely by surprise for sure and I was flattered and I felt loved for a minute and felt as if this man had real love for me. Fast forward nine weeks later and the relationship we tried to get off of the ground is not working out. I am very disappointed about it and discouraged because in just nine weeks we have had lots of fights and he has made stupid comments to me to just piss me off and break up with him again and again.  Every time he would have to make me forgive me so that he could feel better. Well what about me? What about the behavior that you keep doing over and over again that causes me to feel like you weren’t so real about all of the things you said to me? When someone is just an outright jerk for no good reason what am I supposed to think?

It makes me start to question if this person’s love is even true.  I start questioning everything and whether or not this was built on a house of cards or if I am being too unreasonable and expecting too much of this person. Is it wrong to expect to be treated the way I treat him? I don’t think so and that is what gets me so mad. That and the fact that he makes these really fucked up comments and is nastily sarcastic and just downright belittling while I am partaking in his trivial conversations with me. That’s the part that gets my goat. Is that he calls me to tell me every fucking little thing about his day and talk about him and when I participate and say something that is part of the conversation he finds a reason to feel like I’m attacking him or making him feel inferior or whatever.  Wow, like really???  It stops and makes me question whether or not this is the right relationship or the right person for me if he is going to be like this at me right from the get go. What’s going to happen in six months?

What I really don’t get is, what did I do to deserve this? That’s the part that really baffles me. I’ve been nasty twice and both times I hadn’t had any sleep and he calls me up all wound up like a top and wanting me to do things for him right then and there and wanted me to accept one of those wire transfer scams and refused to listen to me. I’m sorry but when someone is spending their entire day in the fetal position feeling sorry for themselves and won’t help themselves and I come and help them get a fucking job, is it wrong to expect a little kindness?? I guess it is. Because I realized that he is enormously self-centered and at the end of the day I love me above all else and that’s always how it’s going to be. I will be loving and kind and generous but if you are an ungrateful prick and expect me to eat shit while I cater to you, you can go fuck yourself.

I am more than perfectly content pleasing myself and if there is anything left over for you, well then you can have what I don’t want or need. It’s very simple. Women always seem to find themselves giving more in a relationship than a man does. I am not that woman anymore. It’s not my job nor my responsibility to fix any man’s life and I learned my lesson the hard way with this one. I have to always put myself first no matter what. I will always be grateful of the actions I do for myself. I attempted to reach out to him tonight after reading some Abraham materials and reconsidering and if this is meant to be it will be. Unfortunately he did not reply to my text so nothing came out of it tonight.  If this relationship is going to be a successful one then I have to let his petty bullshit go and roll off my back and let him have his insecurities and I will sit and observe him as he does this and just think to myself instead of voicing my opinion and disappointment in his failures. That is… IF this even goes any further than today.