Courageous Self Love

To truly love oneself is a very courageous act.  In order to be able to honor your soul’s needs and desires there sometimes comes a time when you decide that going with the status quo is harmful to your emotional health. Making this choice however does come with a price, you just need to decide what exactly you are willing to sacrifice for which choice. Women do this every single day that they stay with a man who does not treat them the way they deserve to be treated, with kindness and respect. Men have turned the world upside down and have learned to use feminism to their advantage and have learned to prey upon women’s insecurities to manipulate situations in their favor.

This is not to say that every man is like this, just the bad ones.  They would have you believe there are many more women vying for their attention who are more willing to do whatever it takes to end up getting used by that male. Accepting this way of thinking as truth results in you being vulnerable to falling prey to the types of men who would have you believing it. Of course they are going to do everything to convince you that loving yourself first by not giving into the pressures to let him seduce you is the wrong thing to do.  That’s the game. You have to learn to understand the game. Actually, no you don’t. Understanding the game is irrelevant. All you have to do is make a conscious choice that you are not going to let anyone else use you (your mind) or your body for defilement.

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Friends With Benefits

Now, before anyone gets excited with the title of this post, this is in reference to the new movie out with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.  I watched it tonight and it was actually pretty good. I like Mila Kunis and I think her and Justin have good on-screen chemistry. So there is the whole premise of the movie. This idea that two people of the opposite sex thinking that they can mix friendship with sex. The kind of friends who spend a lot of time together and getting to know each other, sharing their innermost personal feelings about things that they don’t share with other people. They eventually develop feelings for each other. The boat gets blown out of the water. This simple agreement that two grown people enter in to seems to never quite work out the way that they intended it to. Yet they keep doing it again and again, screwing themselves up emotionally more and more with each try.  It would seem that if you saw this movie you would think that the writers and the directors had some direct line to tap into your personal heartbreak and experiences because how else could they capture exactly how you feel? Or could it be that people involved in those very same situations are going through the exact same emotions? Maybe all of the single twenty-something and thirty-something women have the exact same wishes and dreams for themselves. Wonder why? The answer to that is for this post but it’s not by coincidence.

We live in a world where people are emotionally damaged and emotionally cut off from themselves.  They literally separate themselves from their own emotional guidance system. I understand it, it’s a survival tactic. Lately I have been confronted with a ghost from my past and he is a pretty nasty one. He’s the kind of ghost who forever sucks the life out of you because he lost his soul. He doesn’t have any idea of how to find it and more importantly is that he doesn’t want to.  Frankly, I’m sick of being haunted by this ghost.  Since I worked a lot on healing my own emotional damage it is no real surprise to me that whenever I see this person that the wound opens up. I do not know why I always perceived a higher connection with this individual but I did. I had hoped that time would severe it and for the most part it has. That actual connection is in fact severed but it just seems that as far as the internet goes, one cannot escape certain people unless you really make a conscience choice to not mingle in places that could potentially be a shitting ground for the other person. So that is what I have chosen to do.

I have no desire to close myself from my emotional centers ever again no matter how badly things might hurt when it comes to friendships, relationships, betrayals or otherwise. So the only thing that is logical and more downstream is to remove myself from the situation. It is the path of least resistance. And that is how you exorcise these ghosts, you cut off their life support.

Experimenting With The Law of Attraction

I always have to remind myself that the law of attraction does work in our favor when we align with those things we put out there but are not seriously attached to. The hard part is trying to turn your attention to something else so that you no longer notice you don’t have what you want just yet.
In the second half I talk about deeper esoteric teachings and the root of all major practices and ideologies when I mention hermeticism and alchemy and the perrenial tradition. I’m so ready for this….

My Spiritual Goals for Me and You

These days I am diligently trying to learn as fast as I can but not to the point where I cannot absorb what I am taking in.  For several years now I have been an avid manifester and fan of some of the foremost spiritual speakers out today. Some of them would advise that people just go about their lives and not to focus on the day to day activities of the world that make us uncomfortable. To not give attention to it.  I do agree to some respect, we owe it to ourselves to turn off all of the outside chatter and we have to arm ourselves with tools for learning so that we do not take in bad information. I have been on my spiritual journey for over four years now.  I love the law of attraction and many of the teachers who show us how to do it. One thing that I have always noticed is that manifesting has always seemed a lot like witchcraft to me.  Having owned books by Raymond Buckland and having dabbled in candle magic when I was younger, I understood the power of intention. I also knew that the Law of Attraction was just the tip of the iceberg and in fact it is a component of something greater, it has it’s roots in Hermetic Tradition.  I would honestly say that the lid was blown off of my head once I read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, although a fictional tale, it is an allegory.  Harry Potter is an allegory of current times, as are many other books/movies. They all contain the same Hero’s Journey at the core of them.  And they all reflect the zeitgeist of the day.

I want to say though at some point after all of my current studying with law of attraction and affirmations and healing my life, I reached an apex. I felt that this could not be all there is to my spiritual journey. I felt I was not manifesting anything of major significance and I sort of experienced a feeling of ennui.  I’d say since losing my mother in 2010 something changed for me drastically. This past year has been one of such profound illumination that it is impossible to ignore.  My eyes have been wrenched wide open for me and I have been forced to really look at what my life has been trying to show me. The most important thing I want to achieve is to help people. I want to do more than just give someone a tarot reading because they are worried about whether or not they are going to find their soulmate. I want to show them why they have been having such a hard time with life in general and why they suffer. I want to wake up every individual who crosses my path and show them what we need to do to have a better life.

I want them to understand that we haven’t been educated, we have been indoctrinated. The majority of us have no idea how to think for ourselves and I want them to know that there is a way to change it and a way to learn it.  When people come to me, I want to start to ignite that tiny spark in them that knows there is more to this life.  We cannot afford to be frogs in boiling water any longer. We need to learn as much as we can so that we don’t get lost in the mix. 

There is Never an Excuse for Ignorance

I turned thirty-eight last week. Wow, I’ve made it this far in my life and I can say that I honestly, there is so much that I didn’t know. There is so much that I still don’t know. The difference between the me now and the me say, ten years ago is that I believe I was content knowing what I knew and felt that was enough for me.  I couldn’t have been more wrong about anything in my life. Now having said that, I truly do believe that I will never in my life pay for a higher education when I can learn it all on my own.  I have always felt that college is a waste of money and I stand by that conviction to this day. I am giving myself an education though, there is no question about it.  The one thing that I cannot stop myself from doing is learning all the truth in the world that there is to know.

I can remember since I was young that I always said I never saw myself slaving away in an office working for anyone. I can remember that statement as if I said it yesterday. So it was a bit strange for me to find myself for most of my twenties working in various office environments getting screamed at and yelled at by mediocre middle management and irate customers. I believe I knew that about myself and I was correct. The only thing then was that I didn’t know what I would be suited to do.  It still took me at least 18 years to figure this out.  About nine years ago I embarked on a new journey for me to earn my living. I have been a phone sex operator, a webcam performer, and a pornographer.  For me it presented a form of freedom that I never had working for someone else.  At this point in my life I have no desire to work in the sex industry anymore, it has definitely presented a whole bunch of conflicts for me in my personal life that I realize I have outgrown. Yes, I understand that this might be tough for some people to swallow, however I did this on my own terms and I never did anything that was outside of my own comfort level. It is what it is and it was something I did and cannot take it back.  Once I can sustain my living through other means then I will be letting all of the adult work go because I know that morally it is wrong and I as I continue to make my living in this way, I am in conflict with myself. Unfortunately I didn’t give myself any other way out and now until I can solidify a foundation for myself I am forced to keep doing it. Ces’t La Vie!

This is not to say that reading has not been my salvation, because it has. This desire to always learn more is always there for me. Something instilled in me the strong desire to read since I was a young child in elementary school. I don’t know if it was because of R.I.F. days or my mother encouraging me to read but it’s the one thing that I have always seen the value of doing.  The stuff I read these days is more educational than I ever thought I would lay my hands on.  Because of this strong desire it allows me to learn more and become less ignorant.  When I say this, I say it in the most humble manner because I know that without a shadow of a doubt that there is so much that I need to learn.  I am aware of my ignorance but I am working diligently to remedy this.  What saddens me is people’s unwillingness to do this for themselves. Their hardwired ingrained hardheadedness to assume that what they believe is right and that’s all they need to know because the stuff they believe makes them feel right. And that’s all that matters in the world for them. That is a very scary way of thinking.  It is called solipsism and no matter how hard to try, you cannot reason with a mind like this. The only shot you have is when they finally wake up and decide that there is more to learn.

Until that time, you will find yourself like me, often being met with opposition and hostility if you dare to correct someone’s thinking or show them an accurate point of view. I know so many people like this in my day to day life and it’s sad.  I was like this for a while thinking that I knew everything that I had to know, but something woke something up in me. Perhaps I always had this resistance in me or perhaps it was a friend of mine telling me about a book that would change my mind and my life forever. I can never be too sure what exactly it was that set me on this path. All I know is that I’m on it and I cannot step off of it. You find that once you are set in motion there is no turning back. Once you take the red pill, you cannot go backwards there is only forwards in order to see your way through it.  I will say this though, I would not have it any other way now that I am starting to see what we are all meant to see.