I’ve Been Gone For A Few Days

Christmas is over. Overall it was good. I have been gone for about four days because I went to my boyfriend’s house Christmas night so that I could spend some time with him and then I got stuck there for an extra day because of the blizzard that NYC got hit with. Nobody went to work on Monday so I had no choice but to stay in the city until today when I could be picked up.  I get home tonight and I am told that apparently I am to blame for Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner getting ruined.  That’s funny seeing as how I did not plan the menu, nor did I really make any of it except for one item for Christmas Eve. The only contribution I made was baking cookies really.

I am not going to let this stuff bother me, I am just a little surprised to be told this upon my arrival home. The next few months are crucial for me as far as stashing money away and finding my own place to live. That’s what my focus is on right now.  I am open to cohabitation if it feels right so that is always an option and will definitely make things easier for the both of us as far as getting something that we want and like and also having more personal freedoms to come and go as we please without other people getting inconvenienced in the process.

This one incident is just a reminder at how much can be skewed and how much has been skewed about me over the years by a lot of people. I’m done trying to change anyone’s perception of me. If they don’t want to see any differently the attempts are just futile. I have better things to do to focus my energy on. If people get mad at me because of their own thinking, well that is not on me.  Oh well.  I’ve been doing all that I can do to stay appreciative of everything that I have right now and I am going to continue to do so so that I can maintain my uplifted feelings. Because nothing else matters than that I feel good!

Self Respect Above Everything Else

As I have embarked on this emotional journey into a loving, romantic, relationship with a lost love from my past, I could not help but notice a reoccurring theme going on with us. One of which there is a third party in his life that felt the need to interfere with our relationship. Now I am just a month and a half into it this time around, back in the past I was invested in it and there was someone there trying to break us up. Back then, I walked. This time I practically did it again. I have fought for preserving my own sanity(never having lost it) in my own life and have done the self work and have pushed the sycophants out of my life forever and no relationship is worth having if there is going to be toxic people around trying to fuck things up for us.

There was a bunch of stuff going on that I can only say is on the level of high school jealousy type of petty inferiority, and insecurity issues directed at me. Well check this out, I’m 37 and I have zero tolerance for bullshit, especially from a little girl who is threatened by me. I will drop anyone who brings those kinds of people around me and our relationship, point blank. I’ve loved this man for years, more years than I can even imagine when I stop and think about it.  This is everything that I have wanted for so long with him. Emotionally I am filled up, it is fabulous.  But the minute someone shows their jealousy again and tries to cause friction or some kind of drama in my relationship again because they are a “friend” of my man, I’m gone.

I think out of the whole thing of what pissed me off about this is that it was made like I was the person who was having an issue with him having female friends. I could care less if he has female friends. Shit, I would like to think that I am secure enough in myself to not be threatened by females.  To have someone comment on the messages I leave on his wall is just pure instigation and all of those actions were a result of her jealousy. I never said two words to this girl and all of the stuff that I was told was voluntary on his part from jump. I never said oh you can’t talk to this girl anymore and that’s how she started acting. Like really?

What people don’t get is that I will always choose MYSELF over a relationship or someone else because I love myself too much. At various points in my life there were relationships where I wouldn’t have done that. But at this point in the game, I am so committed to my own happiness and my own emotional state of mind at all times that if being with someone brings a windfall of crazy behind him, I don’t want to be with him. I am fine without a man in my life. I have done it long enough to know that I am perfectly content with my freedom and my singularity. That is not to say that I don’t love him, because I do feel very strongly about him, I just love me more.

Aside from that, I have a lot of love that I would like to give to this man and I also am open to receiving any love that he wants to bestow on me. I am committed to having a fun and loving time when I am with him and that’s all there is to it. We will take it one day at a time and get ourselves on our feet and keep going forward. Who knows what can happen!!