Get Out Of The Way

They say that once you get out of your own way, things will start flowing. For a long time I had been lonely and alone. There was such an isolation that I felt in New Hampshire that it was something so profound I really thought I was going to be alone and never get the opportunity to experience any kind of long term anything with people. For the last year I would say as my mother declined in her health I became more and more upset about it and I think that I felt that my life was going to be wasted away by taking care of my mother. I had a lot of guilt for feeling resentment against her illnesses. It’s six months I just realized.

However, If I could sum up the last fourteen years for myself, particularly the last ten and then the last three years I would say that there has always been an intense longing for a real connection with someone that I could never quite get. The people who have come in and out of my life in that period of time caused me a lot of pain. They caused me to feel like there would never be anyone on the earth who would love me the way I would love them. They caused me to feel like so many men were dishonest and disloyal and disrespectful. As a result, the longing grew.

I would tell myself that I would have to be alone. I did not necessarily think I would be happy having to go through the rest of my life alone but the alternative was far worse than the thought of caring for my mother into my forties. But that thought itself brought with it an unexpected heaviness in my heart as well. I saw myself as Little Edie Beale and it frightened me to the core. Then my mom passed away and in one fail swoop I was free from that hellish idea of a prison.

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We Get What We Expect

It’s been a while since I came to this site to actually write down any feelings. I guess this in itself reflects a lot in the fact that I have seriously been ignoring my inner world. For lack of a better word, watching crazy conspiracy theorists and fundie jesus freaks propaganda fried my noggin. And in that one little instant I lost my grip on my faith and on my own strength. I let myself become scared of the stuff that has given me the most solace in a long time. I decided to just read the previous post titles and jeez it’s not wonder my life has fallen apart, that’s all I was attracting and that’s all I could focus on. When shit like this gets you, it wakes you up really fast.

I have to say, I wish this could be the one place where I could come and jot down my feelings and let it hang out without knowing that there are snoopers who just love any bit of information pertaining to someone else’s life so they can revel in someone else’s misery or find out juicy tidbits about them that they can try and exploit in some way or form. Or it might just be the fodder they need to talk shit about someone to make themselves feel better. Those people it seems need to do a lot of shit talking in order to keep feeling better. Gets to a point where all they can do is trash talk about everyone and anyone because their own lives suck.

Remembering that I am a bitch and I don’t run from confrontation or telling someone what I think of them has been a real wake up that I have needed lately. This is an ingrained part of who am and I cannot deny that of myself and I know that it can be a strength when I use it properly.  For a long time there have been cunts who like to dig up info on me, they like to write about me and they like to imagine these slights that I supposedly did to them but in actuality never happened. It’s funny how someone’s perception of something or some event can completely be slanted in such an untrue nature. The mind is funny like that. But you know it’s all good. I suppose they derive some sense of self worth.

Therefore I won’t talk in any real great depth about what is going on inside but I will talk about things in general. It’s very therapeutic for me to come and just write all of this out. It just flows. It is not grammatically correct, it is not 100% cohesive but it helps me. I lost touch with what I love to do. I love to feed my soul. I love to sit here and just write and to make my vision boards and to imagine my wonderful life and to remember what I’m grateful for each day and how different those things are from day to day.  I forget to be in awe of how life can work so perfectly in it’s imperfection and it’s problems but when you understand how things work, you can see the simple beauty in how it all does what it does. It makes it that much more simple to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get your ass in gear.

Tomorrow I am getting the first of I hope many life coaching sessions. They are offered as part of an open training package the my boss has designed to enable us to be the best ETE’s we can be and excel in our own personal Phone businesses. I have a huge accumulation of training credits so I love that my coach will still be earning for her time but it’s not costing me a dime and it could not come at a more apt time for myself. I need it and I am very eager to dig in and come out of this on top and in fact better than I was before. I need to learn the direction and just be able to talk and acknowledge things inside of myself that I know I still have not resolved and be ok with it and know that it’s a process and it takes time.

So that is one great gift that keeps on giving and I am so looking forward to that. From there I will see how tomorrow unfolds. For now though I have to tend to this awful headache that has been brewing for a while and is at a point now where I don’t think it’s going to go away with just two excedrin. It’s now time for quiet and stillness and that’s what I am going to do. Damn this feels good again and I feel like I have my voice and I am being heard without burdening any one particular person to be my sounding board and it’s freeing and liberating. Ahhh…. goodnight!