My life has been through so much in the last ten months . There are days when I feel completely beat up from everything that life has dealt me and sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don’t know why there has been so much upheaval in my life, perhaps it is an underlying issue.  I think what I need to identify is that there was a conflict within myself about how I would have liked to have felt like all the time and how I was actually feeling.

Let me explain. I have studied and fought to keep my head above water and always focus on the up emotions instead of the down ones. The problem is that when faced with the prospect of losing the person who you love the most you often are vulnerable to those lower feelings.  Feelings of isolation and abandonment were overwhelming for me a lot of the times and a genuine unhappiness of my overall situation really got the best of me. Fighting to get through to my mother emotionally and harboring immense guilt for kind of leaving her to her own devices when she was so sick, I fell that there were times when I just deserted her because I didn’t know what else to do.

The analogy of the little dutch boy sticking his thumbs into the dam to keep it from springing leaks perfectly sums up how I have been struggling to get through my life. I have struggled to keep my car and make it through to my last payment. I am so anxious for that day to come when I can breath out a big sigh of relief that nobody can ever threaten to take anything away from me ever again.  That car is mine and I am not about to let anyone take it from me and I will do anything and everything I need to in order to keep it. Then comes my personal possessions which are locked up in storage. I have to make sure that my belongings are always secure and that there is no chance that anything can happen to them. This is the first time that any of it has been in actual jeopardy and my will to fight is strong.

There has never been a stronger drive and determination in me to build my wealth than now.  I am going to make myself a fortune and will live my life worry and debt free and I am doing everything my power to educate and train myself in what it is I need to do to make that money.  I’m going to get rich and I am going to live my dreams with the best of everything. I want to be better than my family history. I want to make my mark and I want to achieve more than anyone in my family has ever done.  I have a plan to repair my credit and I have a plan to grow my wealth and now they are being put into effect. My five year plan has been set in motion for the last six months and I have five and a half years to go to accomplish my goals. I will succeed because failure is NOT an option.