I Am Not The Anomaly

Things occur throughout the day that do cause me to think about recurring themes at times. Now in some ways I am somewhat contrary in the way that I think and in my actions and how I conduct my life. I will say that much.
I do think I am a very attractive woman, someone who is very self-aware of her own sexuality and sex-appeal. I am also someone who is very much aware of her past mistakes and all of the times that I did not listen to my initial instincts about others and human nature.
There is a lot of validity to the theories of men by Greg Behrendt. One of those very normal rules between men and women is that no piece of eye candy is truly interested in someone who the rest of society deems unacceptable in any real way.
I am not an anomaly no matter how much I might have a desire to be that one female who has changed his perception of how sexy fat girls can be. I am not that special “One” who can make him forsake all of the rest or his probably deeply ingrained misongyny nor be able to withstand all of the public and social ridicule by his friends just to be with me. That is a myth.
So I cannot even allow myself for one minute to entertain a guy like this for even the smallest of interests. Guys like that don’t approach me in public and now I’m supposed to believe that they have all the balls behind the computer screen because they are less intimidated by me? No. They just know that it’s private and secret and none of their boys are going to find out.
I have been with all kinds of guys. Someone accused me of having been burned which seems to have skewed my perception of men. Perhaps that is true. But the thing is, I haven’t just been burned by one person. I have been burned again, and again, and again, and again. There are two things that remain constant in all of these experiences. The first one is me, I have been me through all of those experiences. I have never portrayed myself as something other than what I am.  And the other thing that remains constant is the ill-behaved, disrespectful nature of more than 35+ men that I have dated on some level since I was 18.
What is more likely? That I am the one who is the cause for all of this bad treatment or is it the overwhelming evidence of bad behavior by a gender on the whole? Nearly 40 men have it right and I have it wrong? Umm, no.
It comes down to the very basic fact is that I am a the rule. There are rules for various things in life and when it comes to pretty men being whole-heartedly and OPENLY into big chicks that is a very very very rare exception and one that I do not believe I embody.
More importantly it has nothing with the way of how I view myself and my level of self-love. It has everything to do with how much factual evidence there is to support this. There is less to support the contrary.
We as women all want to be that exception, just listen to Rihanna sing The Only Woman In The World and you will see why this shit sells. Because we as women buy into this shit and men know it and they use that.
For the record, I am well aware of some snide people’s perceptions of me on here. They think I don’t make any sense or that I go too deep into a subject. And I’m saying I’ve been that girl for twenty years who bought into the bullshit of just doing whatever I felt like doing and that somehow if I just learned to stop making such a big deal out of wanting a relationship that this guy would magically fall in love with me because I was just so drama-free. Just having fun whenever I wanted to. Getting laid to get laid and with whatever hot guy I wanted to be with.
It’s a fucking fallacy. I have been that woman who has sold adult entertainment to men for practically a decade. yes I perpetuate the idea. I have talked to thousands and thousands of men about their sexuality and their fantasies. I know what makes a lot of them tick.
So the rule for fat chicks is that they aren’t being scooped up by successful, good looking, financially secure men. They are being persuaded by perpetual peter-pans with omega male syndrome. They don’t know how to be men, they don’t know how to be successful and they are broke in every sense of the word. This is what we as fat chicks get, the scraps. These are the guys who pursue us. Why? Because they cannot hope to get anything better so they convince themselves that they adore us and that we turn them on like crazy.
We are their only hopes of getting laid a lot of the time instead of jacking off by or to someone on the telephone. We are not the exception. But after all of that, we have to go on loving ourselves anyway. Despite this harsh reality of the sexes it is ultra-important to love ourselves as big women regardless if life brings us a partner or not. I am just so tired of believing a fairy tale and it gives me a lot of freedom to just let that go. Don’t get me wrong, at the core it makes me angry. It’s very clear that I cannot change my appearance overnight but I am not going to just give in to my physical needs and urges and the desire to be with a hot guy because he wants to have sex with me. I’m done defining my self-worth through them.

I am ok with the idea of having to be alone because I have been unsuccessful in changing my outward appearance through all of the struggle through the years. Is it necessarily something that I am choosing? No, but I have come to a place of peace with the idea of knowing that I might have to go it alone. I mean for the first 37 of them I have been so what’s so different if I have to do it for another 37? Nothing, I’ve been there so it’s not like it’s some foreign concept.

I Admit I Am On Shaky Ground

Lately I don’t know what it is but I have been very critical of myself. What I focus on the most is my body. I have recently lost 60lbs however I feel more self-conscious than I have ever felt in my entire life and I do not feel attractive to anyone.  This has caused me to really think about what it is that might be causing this.

There is no telling if it is the result of the loss of my mom, or if it is moving back to N.Y. and realizing that there are no better prospects for me at the moment than there was back in N.H., or what exactly the deal is. Ultimately what I think the problem is is this… I look at dating prospects on BBW dating sites every day and I see how limited the choices of men are. I see how badly they dress, how little effort they put into their appearances and I cannot help but come to the conclusion that they do this because they feel we as big women are not deserving of any effort on their parts.

The harsh reality of it is this, The “Omega Male and The Women Who Hate Them“. I am by no means rich, but I am constantly driven to find new ways to bring work to myself and keep things moving and constantly learning. I have ambition to achieve financial success and freedom. I choose to dress myself nicely and groom myself and what do I get? Shit heads, that’s what I get.  So I’ve decided to do something that is within my power, that is to change me. Change my attitude, change my outlook, and change my body and then I will be able to meet better quality of men. That’s all there is to it.

Where Is My Life Going From Here

My life has been through so much in the last ten months . There are days when I feel completely beat up from everything that life has dealt me and sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don’t know why there has been so much upheaval in my life, perhaps it is an underlying issue.  I think what I need to identify is that there was a conflict within myself about how I would have liked to have felt like all the time and how I was actually feeling.

Let me explain. I have studied and fought to keep my head above water and always focus on the up emotions instead of the down ones. The problem is that when faced with the prospect of losing the person who you love the most you often are vulnerable to those lower feelings.  Feelings of isolation and abandonment were overwhelming for me a lot of the times and a genuine unhappiness of my overall situation really got the best of me. Fighting to get through to my mother emotionally and harboring immense guilt for kind of leaving her to her own devices when she was so sick, I fell that there were times when I just deserted her because I didn’t know what else to do.

The analogy of the little dutch boy sticking his thumbs into the dam to keep it from springing leaks perfectly sums up how I have been struggling to get through my life. I have struggled to keep my car and make it through to my last payment. I am so anxious for that day to come when I can breath out a big sigh of relief that nobody can ever threaten to take anything away from me ever again.  That car is mine and I am not about to let anyone take it from me and I will do anything and everything I need to in order to keep it. Then comes my personal possessions which are locked up in storage. I have to make sure that my belongings are always secure and that there is no chance that anything can happen to them. This is the first time that any of it has been in actual jeopardy and my will to fight is strong.

There has never been a stronger drive and determination in me to build my wealth than now.  I am going to make myself a fortune and will live my life worry and debt free and I am doing everything my power to educate and train myself in what it is I need to do to make that money.  I’m going to get rich and I am going to live my dreams with the best of everything. I want to be better than my family history. I want to make my mark and I want to achieve more than anyone in my family has ever done.  I have a plan to repair my credit and I have a plan to grow my wealth and now they are being put into effect. My five year plan has been set in motion for the last six months and I have five and a half years to go to accomplish my goals. I will succeed because failure is NOT an option.