We Get What We Expect

It’s been a while since I came to this site to actually write down any feelings. I guess this in itself reflects a lot in the fact that I have seriously been ignoring my inner world. For lack of a better word, watching crazy conspiracy theorists and fundie jesus freaks propaganda fried my noggin. And in that one little instant I lost my grip on my faith and on my own strength. I let myself become scared of the stuff that has given me the most solace in a long time. I decided to just read the previous post titles and jeez it’s not wonder my life has fallen apart, that’s all I was attracting and that’s all I could focus on. When shit like this gets you, it wakes you up really fast.

I have to say, I wish this could be the one place where I could come and jot down my feelings and let it hang out without knowing that there are snoopers who just love any bit of information pertaining to someone else’s life so they can revel in someone else’s misery or find out juicy tidbits about them that they can try and exploit in some way or form. Or it might just be the fodder they need to talk shit about someone to make themselves feel better. Those people it seems need to do a lot of shit talking in order to keep feeling better. Gets to a point where all they can do is trash talk about everyone and anyone because their own lives suck.

Remembering that I am a bitch and I don’t run from confrontation or telling someone what I think of them has been a real wake up that I have needed lately. This is an ingrained part of who am and I cannot deny that of myself and I know that it can be a strength when I use it properly.  For a long time there have been cunts who like to dig up info on me, they like to write about me and they like to imagine these slights that I supposedly did to them but in actuality never happened. It’s funny how someone’s perception of something or some event can completely be slanted in such an untrue nature. The mind is funny like that. But you know it’s all good. I suppose they derive some sense of self worth.

Therefore I won’t talk in any real great depth about what is going on inside but I will talk about things in general. It’s very therapeutic for me to come and just write all of this out. It just flows. It is not grammatically correct, it is not 100% cohesive but it helps me. I lost touch with what I love to do. I love to feed my soul. I love to sit here and just write and to make my vision boards and to imagine my wonderful life and to remember what I’m grateful for each day and how different those things are from day to day.  I forget to be in awe of how life can work so perfectly in it’s imperfection and it’s problems but when you understand how things work, you can see the simple beauty in how it all does what it does. It makes it that much more simple to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get your ass in gear.

Tomorrow I am getting the first of I hope many life coaching sessions. They are offered as part of an open training package the my boss has designed to enable us to be the best ETE’s we can be and excel in our own personal Phone businesses. I have a huge accumulation of training credits so I love that my coach will still be earning for her time but it’s not costing me a dime and it could not come at a more apt time for myself. I need it and I am very eager to dig in and come out of this on top and in fact better than I was before. I need to learn the direction and just be able to talk and acknowledge things inside of myself that I know I still have not resolved and be ok with it and know that it’s a process and it takes time.

So that is one great gift that keeps on giving and I am so looking forward to that. From there I will see how tomorrow unfolds. For now though I have to tend to this awful headache that has been brewing for a while and is at a point now where I don’t think it’s going to go away with just two excedrin. It’s now time for quiet and stillness and that’s what I am going to do. Damn this feels good again and I feel like I have my voice and I am being heard without burdening any one particular person to be my sounding board and it’s freeing and liberating. Ahhh…. goodnight!

I Admit I Am On Shaky Ground

Lately I don’t know what it is but I have been very critical of myself. What I focus on the most is my body. I have recently lost 60lbs however I feel more self-conscious than I have ever felt in my entire life and I do not feel attractive to anyone.  This has caused me to really think about what it is that might be causing this.

There is no telling if it is the result of the loss of my mom, or if it is moving back to N.Y. and realizing that there are no better prospects for me at the moment than there was back in N.H., or what exactly the deal is. Ultimately what I think the problem is is this… I look at dating prospects on BBW dating sites every day and I see how limited the choices of men are. I see how badly they dress, how little effort they put into their appearances and I cannot help but come to the conclusion that they do this because they feel we as big women are not deserving of any effort on their parts.

The harsh reality of it is this, The “Omega Male and The Women Who Hate Them“. I am by no means rich, but I am constantly driven to find new ways to bring work to myself and keep things moving and constantly learning. I have ambition to achieve financial success and freedom. I choose to dress myself nicely and groom myself and what do I get? Shit heads, that’s what I get.  So I’ve decided to do something that is within my power, that is to change me. Change my attitude, change my outlook, and change my body and then I will be able to meet better quality of men. That’s all there is to it.

Where Is My Life Going From Here

My life has been through so much in the last ten months . There are days when I feel completely beat up from everything that life has dealt me and sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don’t know why there has been so much upheaval in my life, perhaps it is an underlying issue.  I think what I need to identify is that there was a conflict within myself about how I would have liked to have felt like all the time and how I was actually feeling.

Let me explain. I have studied and fought to keep my head above water and always focus on the up emotions instead of the down ones. The problem is that when faced with the prospect of losing the person who you love the most you often are vulnerable to those lower feelings.  Feelings of isolation and abandonment were overwhelming for me a lot of the times and a genuine unhappiness of my overall situation really got the best of me. Fighting to get through to my mother emotionally and harboring immense guilt for kind of leaving her to her own devices when she was so sick, I fell that there were times when I just deserted her because I didn’t know what else to do.

The analogy of the little dutch boy sticking his thumbs into the dam to keep it from springing leaks perfectly sums up how I have been struggling to get through my life. I have struggled to keep my car and make it through to my last payment. I am so anxious for that day to come when I can breath out a big sigh of relief that nobody can ever threaten to take anything away from me ever again.  That car is mine and I am not about to let anyone take it from me and I will do anything and everything I need to in order to keep it. Then comes my personal possessions which are locked up in storage. I have to make sure that my belongings are always secure and that there is no chance that anything can happen to them. This is the first time that any of it has been in actual jeopardy and my will to fight is strong.

There has never been a stronger drive and determination in me to build my wealth than now.  I am going to make myself a fortune and will live my life worry and debt free and I am doing everything my power to educate and train myself in what it is I need to do to make that money.  I’m going to get rich and I am going to live my dreams with the best of everything. I want to be better than my family history. I want to make my mark and I want to achieve more than anyone in my family has ever done.  I have a plan to repair my credit and I have a plan to grow my wealth and now they are being put into effect. My five year plan has been set in motion for the last six months and I have five and a half years to go to accomplish my goals. I will succeed because failure is NOT an option.

What Will The Second Act Bring

I have decided that I do not want to subscribe to superstition and magical thinking any longer. I have learned how to have self-confidence however I think I held some beliefs that were just not practical. Do I believe that I can achieve anything that I set my mind to? Yes. DO I believe that there is some universal energy or power out there that I have to be aligned to in order to achieve it? Umm, not any more. I have learned how to control my emotions much better than how I used to when I was younger. Whether that comes from age or from letting go of some seriously pent up anger, I can say that all of the materials that I onced believed were not all that bad. The things that were bad were the ones that defied facts. I want to support and need support and encouragement every step of my way because I feel much better about this direction of my life.

Rebooting my life

Right now at this point in my life, I don’t know what to believe anymore other than to not believe everything I read, see, or hear.  All of those teachings that I’ve gobbled up since 2007 just do not really do anything for me anymore. There has always been a sense of  ”this” sounds just like “that” but only in a much nicer, non-threatening way.  From here  on out I will be practicing more critical thinking when it comes to my spirituality and my beliefs and so forth.  What the overall theme I’ve noticed is that after a while everything sort of fails. Until I can figure out exactly how I want to use this site, I’m going to give myself a little break.